Things I have learned from a five year old

Things that actually do not have limits

• Energy
• Imagination
• Determination
• Perseverance
• Negotiation
• Joy

For the last three days (a nano second for all full time parents) Ashby has been visiting by himself. Mom is in Baltimore waiting for the movers, and Dad is in Augusta finshing up a course. First he has been amazing, second he has reminded me that children are amazing.

 

He is a little World Cup fan so we negotiated a good nap in exchange for staying up to watch USA play. Mike and some friends came over to watch so he split his time "helping" Uncle Mike fix his car and checking on the game and the appetizers. And like a trouper, after the painful last 20 seconds he came up to bed for a few stories and a kiss.

He has two favorite things - the pool and the possibility to playing with the girl next door. Tess has a pink Jeep and a sense of humor, the pool is the gateway to magic.

The pool. More than anything he wants to join the fraternity of boys who walk off the edge with abandon. He studies them with the intensity of a scientist searching for the key. Do they hold their nose, do they pull up their knees, do they stay near the safety of the edge? For the past few days he has been dancing closer and closer to the goal. Step 1. Abandon the noodle - test where he can stand on his feet and where he can touch on tippy toes and where he can bounce on his toes and still keep his head above water. Back and forth he has gone. Playing catch with Grandpa and Mr Norm, inching closer to the limit, ready to reach back to the Nana who was his shadow, smiling with that little gleam that says, see I did it. Step 2. Playing in the zone. Starting with tossing the ball, and then studying the older kids who were using a Princess kick board as a bat for pool baseball. After they headed out and left the kick board, we played baseball, and then he toyed with jumping on the kick board. Just as I thought we were packing up the Tennis Camp kids and their counselors arrived. Oh what an arrival. Twelve 6 -12 year olds descended on the pool like banshees, and he was enthralled. They were tossed into the pool like laundry bags and bounced back begging for more. A cadre of parents with the B team arrived bringing wee tots and kindergarteners to the mix. And then the most alluring person of all came on the scene. An obviously younger brother came into our zone and proceeded to hold his nose jump in, thrash the 18 inches to the steps and get out, only to repeat the process over and over. Here inches away from my warrior was the challenge. Having survived one quasi accidental cannon ball from the second step that dunked him, he grabbed the kick board and demanded to try to launch himself off the steps time after time. I never knew you could launch, catch, kick and return to repeat in less than one minute. As the kick board holder I was impressed. Each time as I held the board he tested himself. Only the Adult Swim whistle saved us and sent us home. A swim meet kept us from going back later in the afternoon. Weather permitting we are back in the pool tomorrow.

The second lesson is friends rock. Yesterday he met our neighbor child who raced cars with him for an hour. Pink Jeep against Silver BMW. Sadly she was not available today since she had a sitter and another child visiting. It broke my heart to see how much he yearned for a friend no matter how transient. Tomorrow we will see if we can negotiate friend time.

I realize I don't have the fire he has to keep trying, dancing around the challenge, defying the odds each time he leaps for the board, hoping for the friend to pop out on the driveway. It made me realize that my only gift is to keep holding the kick board, no matter how long, to ring on the doorbell and see if she can play, because he is ready and eager to join the fraternity of boys who just jump in.

Years ago there was another golden haired boy who wanted to jump in. My only hope is that I gave him the courage or at least didn't stand in the way of flying.

 

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Dear Mom

I l know i haven't written in a while. Wish I could say I was busy but more that I have been pre-occupied. Bruce and I are in SC for the annual event. It has been fun and the guys are tied for first place. Hopefully tomorrow they will play well and their competition will have a few bad holes.

I finally finished installing the drip system for the front and back hay racks. No plants but the irrigation is ready. Every step seems to take forever. I can't work in the heat anymore, after the heat stroke last summer I have to be really careful. But I am determined to get them planted this week. I'll send pictures.

When I look at my house today, I wonder where I went and I haven't cared enough to finish the family room. It makes me remember the year you had the house painted and the new carpet installed. I came to visit and you had not rehung the pictures and I worried about how you were feeling. I understand now. In the scheme of things, it was so unimportant. But I guess it isn't. How our nest feels when we walk in the door sets the stage for everything else, and how we make our family and friends feel when they come in is important. I need to up my game.

Our friends in SC have a new puppy/dog. He is 18 months and cute. But he is a dog, he isn't Zed. I l know I should want to love him up, but I don't. I think I feel more like a dog trainer and want to give suggestions but I don't want him to sleep with me. He isn't Zed.

A few weeks ago a friend gave me some advice about how you go on when the rug is pulled out from under you. We have all lost parents, children, pets, jobs, the touchstones of our lives. We are adrift, our compasses are askew, the things we loved and hated are gone. She said, go everywhere you are invited, be good company, bring a good bottle of wine, thank them for inviting you. Life is short and the pain of loss is paralyzingly, pull up your big girl panties and behave the way you want others to see you and you will grow into that person. Years ago when we lived in Pictou and had a neighbor who was the bane of our existence the advice I got from my friends was treat her the way you wanted her to be, and it worked, within several months she changed and I changed.

I want to be the person who I was, someone welcoming, whose home is comfortable and friendly. Mom, if you are listening, help me let go of my sadness and fears and be that person. I miss you everyday. I miss knowing I could call you and you would patiently listen. I miss knowing you always thought the best of me. Tell Dad I love him.

Love, your daughter.

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Dear Mom,

It has been two weeks since we lost Zed. I know I should have told you sooner but I still can't talk about it without crying. I told you he has been getting weaker and the vet said it was just a matter of time. I had brought him to Baltimore the week I came to have lunch with you because I was afraid to leave him alone and he was too sick to stay with the dog sitter.

I know people always say "my dog made me a better person" but he really did. I loved him, I thought about him, and he loved me back without reservation. He loved Bruce best. Bruce spoiled him, he gave him cookies and let him walk willy-nilly across the street. On trips he thought he needed to stop every two hours. I was the tough one. Always saying don't give him so many cookies he is getting fat. When we walked I told him to stay off people's lawns.

He filled a void in my life with his presence. When I drove up he was in the window waiting and would be down the steps to the door to meet me. I could be gone an hour or a week it was always the same. I didn't appreciate how much that meant to me until he was gone.

Some times I think he gave me permission to grieve, to cry for all that has been lost, for you and Dad and Zed. I always tried to keep the stiff upper lip and not be someone others had to tip toe around lest I fall apart but somehow with Zed, I can say "please don't ask me how I am, it is too hard".

It is too hard to lose everything. There is no reason to go home to Baltimore anymore. I am just from there once upon a time. I don't have to plan my errands around Zed's internal clock of 3 hour walks. I can be gone all day and it doesn't matter. I went to the beach with Judi last week because it didn't matter if I was home.

I miss you. I so wish I had actually picked up the phone and called you all the thousand times I thought I should talk to Mom. I want to believe you and Dad and Zed will be there when I cross over the Rainbow Bridge.

Love,

Your daughter

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Domesticity is highly overrated.

I have been home without any "work" since Thanksgiving.  There was a small project that took a few days in February but other than that I have been searching for meaning in cleaning out closets, shredding old files, scanning in pictures from the many boxes, scouring magazines for interesting menus to try.  I am planning healthy menus using an excel sheet so,I don't end up with 6 cans of basil/garlic chopped tomatoes on sale for the unbelievable price of 6 for $3.  I have purged my cupboards of questionable plastic containers, out of date ingredients and spices I brought from Canada (just kidding).  

A trip to The Container Store yielded shelf liners for my wire pantry shelves, an ever so clever divider that let's me stack my sauté pans, another to let me store the many cutting boards, pizza stone and cookie sheet rack.  Now they stand neatly on end waiting to be plucked for use.  And not to be ignored another divider that let's me store the casserole pans, and deep dish pie pan without stacking, and a cute extra shelf to separate my Polish Pottery casseroles.  All of this has led me to believe I am addicted to cooking containers.  This resulted in the mental challenge of incorporating these wonderful, unique containers in MEALS.   

I am starting with the ones that are more suitable for a family of two.   A La individual chicken pot pies in the au gratin dishes, broiled scallops and shrimp in the shallow ceramic baking dish, 2 person meatloafs in the small loaf pans lurking in the cupboard over the stove.  I am exhausted. I want to order pizza.  Planning menus that will use all of the fresh ingredients and leave no leftovers is exhausting.  My sweetie hubby is a willing test subject.  So far the majority of the meals have been winners, only one was horrid - way too much ginger.  I NEED A JOB!   

The Fence

We have lived here for almost ten years and I have enjoyed the view from the deck across my neighbors yard to the 11th fairway and to the trees and sky.  My backyard includes a Winnie the Pooh woods that is a nice privacy block from errant balls but no wonderful long view.

When we first moved here I thought I would put up a fence but I could never imagine one I would like.  The HOA rules only permit a backyard fence that doesn't come out more than 5 feet from one side of the house and is set back at least five feet from your property line and in our case at least 50 feet from the rear edge that abuts the golf course.  It was a very unsatisfactory look and it would double the work of mowing and edging, and in truth our dog is a city dog who isn't very fond of wet grass and would much prefer a nice walk on a sidewalk. 

Until last year our neighbors were a family with young children who were wonderful to watch grow.  We miss them and their energy.  And the roasted marshmallows the kids would bring me when they had a fire in their firepit.  Our new neighbors are nice, they are quiet and not really outdoor people.  But they are fence people.  They have two dogs who are used to having a fenced yard that eliminates the need for walks.  To be fair, she works long hours and his work frequently takes him away all day.  They want a doggy door into a fenced yard so the dogs can come and go as needed.  Today the fence installers came and started digging post holes and erecting the fence.  It is a nice open black iron fence, it will work well for them.  But I suddenly became very protective of my property line.  They seem to have gotten a waiver to extend their fence out from the side of the house to cross their driveway and come up to the five foot set back from my property line.  I watched the installers eyeball the line and wanted to rush out and say wait, do you know where the property marker is because the line does not form a right angle!   All of my busybody thoughts came leaping to the front.  "Don't put the ends of the rods  into the grass, it will make it impossible to edge or use the trimmer."  "You are just eyeballing the setbacks and haven't even referred to the plat."  

As my hubby would say, it is not my problem.  If it is too close to the golf course someone else will complain and I never go down to that back corner of the lot so who cares if it is only a foot from the line.  I do miss the open yards.   Maybe I will plant a hedge.  

Dog knowledge

Zed loves tuna fish.  His idea of sharing is I pour a little juice from the water packed can on his kibble and then add a few bits from the edge of the can for him to savor.  He isn't interested in tuna salad, he likes his straight up.  He is always watchful for tuna day.   

He has been feeling poorly the past few days, sniffing at his meals, sleeping even more than usual.  This afternoon he was asleep upstairs on his blanket on our bed, had been there for quite awhile while I went up and down doing laundry.  Then the "tuna sequence" lured him down the stairs.  The sequence goes like this.   I open the kitchen cabinet and take out a can, then I go to the fridge get out the celery bag, take out a piece to rinse and dice.  The clincher that triggers his must come down for tuna thought is when I open the drawer and get out the can opener.  That is the crucial step he does not want to miss for fear I will forget to share.   After that he waits patiently and attentively while I get his bowl, add a little kibble, a dash or two of tuna juice and the tuna bits.   He doesn't come down for other food preparation, no rushing to see if he can snag a crumb of carrots being sliced or chicken being washed and prepped for cooking.  No, it is all about the tuna.  

After dining on his favorite, he decided to stay downstairs and curled up on his pillow bed.  The good news is he felt well enough to rouse himself for tuna day.   

Aggravating but not fatal

Went to Dr today for my finger and diagnosis is yes I separated the tendon but the fix is 6 weeks in splint.  If I forget and don't support my finger reset the six week clock and expect a less than perfect heal.   That was the upbeat news.  The Dr was under 30 and a rock climber.  Not too sympathetic to an "older woman" who slipped on the steps.  Given my age I should start hand exercises.  And insult to whatever when I came in midst a stressful day my BP was elevated (by a rock climber ultra thin and fit Dr standard) after the X-ray I was in the exam room for an hour fretting about my poor sick puppy at home only to discover Dr Machiavellian was waiting to take by BP again to see if it went down.  What? I came in for my finger not a lifestyle discussion.  I need a Dr over 60 with some sympathy!!