Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Birthdays

Over the years I have discovered how differently people treat birthdays. Sadly it has only been the past few years that I gave it any serious thought. I grew up thinking that birthdays were special days but for me were also dangerous territory. To be "puffed up" or demanding attention because it was all about me were characteristics bound to land me in trouble. The correct answer to "is there something you want" was no, really I have everything I want, just come share my cake. So after almost 70 years of that answer I truly don't want anything. It is not a skill I have.

I know people who have birthday months. A woman I know is on a month long trip with her hubby celebrating a milestone birthday that features Mimosas for breakfast at a series of inns and B&Bs. Several people I know always take their birthday or birthday week off work. My Catholic WASP background cringes. For years I have worked on my birthday, for heavens sake it isn't a national holiday.

So now at 69, a year from the next big one what do I think. Mom said not to waste my 70's, she thought I had not taken advantage of my 60's, that these would be the last years I could physically do some of the things on my wish list and that when I was in my last days I would not look back with happiness remembering I always said, oh we can do what you want, I really don't have anything I want.

Dad always said a birthday isn't about you, it is about being thankful that you had the time and the love of the people you shared your life with. I never really understood what he was saying until he was gone. For me his birthday was one of the high holy days, no matter the distance or the effort you had to go home. Now I miss that call to come home, to put aside angers or frustrations for that one time. I miss him every birthday and I am sad that I have never been able to create that neutral zone that draws my children for one day to be together. Unlike my Dad who despite his flaws created a free zone that said his life had been well lived because he had loved each of us to his utmost, and that was enough. Every year when we came together I think it was because we didn't want to disappoint him, because we knew he loved us best.

So where does this all leave me? This is the big count down to 70. I believe i will live to see all of my grandchildren launched into adulthood. I will hopefully see my great grandchildren. Mom shared the unexplainable loss of Ashley's sister but never the heart wrenching loss of an older grandchild. I will have to answer for my part in failing Jason. I am the third generation if a dysfunctional family. Of sons and daughters who are separated by old angers. My grandmother was the Iron Madam who demanded, or cajoled a family to stay together. My Dad was the force that kept us together. But neither of them knew how to grow it in to the fabric of their off-springs fabric of being. For both of them it only lasted while they willed it in to being. I am not that strong. My greatest sadness is that the legacy I will leave is mine, of only children with other people who intersected with their lives.

So maybe my challenge is to break that chain, or at least to have each of my children know I loved them best. That every time I mark the passing of another year I am thankful for them and that they are my greatest accomplishments and my greatest mysteries.

Vanity the ultimate gotcha.

Vanity 1. Heels, shoes. They were my addiction. I loved being able to wear heels, sandals, cute shoes. Even if they were slightly uncomf...