Old terrifies me

No one is watching me, taking stock of when my quirks hint at actual memory loss. I don't think it is imminent, but I am concerned that I don't have anyone who will know or maybe I worry I won't believe anyone when the warning signs rear their heads. I don't want to be my mother. As much as I love her, she quit and then life wouldn't grant her an exit door. She was done, her purpose in life was Dad, and kids and house and they were gone. We visited but we were exhausting with our petty transient worries, or we tried to hard to cheer her up. Dad was gone, the reason she got up in the morning, the central organizing point of her life was gone in the blink of an eye. Without him she could not keep the lid on Pandora's box. She kept opening the trunk of bad memories, taking them out and examining them over and over. He wasn't there to stop her. Regrets, anger, exhaustion won but still the sun rose in the morning and she had to face another day. Her last years are a warning of what happens when you train yourself to have no opinions or wants. Plywood screwed to the top of a $50 typing desk with power strips screwed to the side is fine for McGyver, but it is ok to want something else for yourself.

But I digress. Last week I took my car in for an oil change and inspection. When I came out and paid my bill in the entrance bay they said my keys were in the car, so I walked over to the closest "blonde" vehicle and opened the passenger door to put my bag in. I looked puzzled, where is my dog seat? The very nice techs said gently that wasn't my car, it was a GMC (blonde) my Escalade was one lane over. I laughed and said that is what happens when you buy your car by color. I am fairly certain that story is being told over and over in the service bay. I am not sure what to chalk that up to.

Many years ago I came home to visit after Mom had several rooms painted and the art (and that is a generous term) was still sitting on the floor. For me who moved frequently (the rumor was I moved so often so I would not have to clean the oven) you restored your house to order immediately. I was worried and Mom's answer did not reassure me. She said essentially it really didn't matter and she was tired. I am afraid. I put the liners in the hay racks on the porches in early May. I was waiting for the plumber to come and fix the outside faucet problems, and he did that last week. I still have not been motivated to fill the planters. They sit empty looking at me. Are they omens?

More next time on why I have a post it over my coffee machine that says "Don't be Aunt Jane".

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Catching up

So what's new? Big changes at home. Hubby is working in northern NJ for the next year. He has an apartment close to work and hope to have him come home at least every other weekend. Flying home isn't as easy as it has been other times. Like all things NY/NJ the airport is overcrowded, getting there is in Traffic and parking expensive. Hopefully it will be a gig that is challenging and interesting. I am still a contractor at Wells but luckily got bounced out of my treasured cube and sent home to work. The work is periodically interesting, and sometimes frustrating but I keep saying to myself it is a job, they pay me and I am not in charge. The job is scheduled to end December 4.

I am working on climbing out of the miasma of inaction. With no one to cook for, or reason to get dressed before hubby comes home at 6 I have fallen into thinking yoga pants are clothes and cereal with a topping of fruit is dinner. I am making lists and working on a schedule that gets me dressed and makeup on before taking Zena to daycare. Baby steps. Next step is to fill the planters and set up the drip system. I can't blame "frost" any longer.

Had a wonderful weekend in Long Island to see the daughter of dear friends married. They invited four of us to join their family and friends. It was an amazing event. A true NY Wedding complete with glitter, dancing, to die for food and a ceremony that would be hard to top. The bride and groom were New Yorkers complete with active bar scene life, a cadre of friends starting with the grooms best man who was a friend from sonogram days to now, fraternity brothers, high school and work buds. The couple is 30 and as the groom said this is payback time for all of the weddings they had been in. Thirteen groomsmen and eight bridesmaids filled out the wedding party. The bride was breath taking and the groom handsome. It was black tie and the guests complied with tuxes and long sparkly gowns. Most of the guys wore their tuxes like second skins being part of the NY scene, it was the older guests like hubby who were in rented duds being at the "country club" event stage in clothing now. The band played non-stop, the guests danced, which now seems to be a group activity requiring aerobic strength jumping up and down. No more pairing off, looking longingly in each other's eyes, this is a group where members drop in and out, are drawn into the inner circle of energy or drift to the second ring. As the evening wore on there were dance offs with the bride at the center of the guys locking are in a circle out doing one another as one became the spotlight. The bride has more energy than a Zumba instructor and was quick to raise the tempo if it seemed to flag. She is not your typical princess bride, scooping up the front of her gown in a combination la la skirt and tango swirl. As the evening peaked at midnight there was the pre-requisite throwing the bride in the air by the groomsmen, followed by tossing the groom all be it not as gently. We bailed shortly after midnight but heard the giggle and good nights of the wedding party after they closed the hotel bar after a nightcap at 3.

We took advantage of a no golf Saturday to drive out to Montauk the scene of a serial The Affair to see the lighthouse and have lunch at Lunch the Lobster Bar. A true cold water lobster roll was our treat. Made a stop in East Hampton to see the beach and check out the beach cottages. Just in case anyone cares renting at house in the Hamptons is definitely off my list of possible things I might want to do. Give me a Carolina beach any day.

Heading home to another week. Norms mom Jean is with me and I am treating us to a car taking us home. It will wrap up an elegant weekend of luxuries we don't usually indulge in. Not sure why but maybe this will be the start of something new.

 

 

 

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