It has been two weeks since we lost Zed. I know I should have told you sooner but I still can't talk about it without crying. I told you he has been getting weaker and the vet said it was just a matter of time. I had brought him to Baltimore the week I came to have lunch with you because I was afraid to leave him alone and he was too sick to stay with the dog sitter.
I know people always say "my dog made me a better person" but he really did. I loved him, I thought about him, and he loved me back without reservation. He loved Bruce best. Bruce spoiled him, he gave him cookies and let him walk willy-nilly across the street. On trips he thought he needed to stop every two hours. I was the tough one. Always saying don't give him so many cookies he is getting fat. When we walked I told him to stay off people's lawns.
He filled a void in my life with his presence. When I drove up he was in the window waiting and would be down the steps to the door to meet me. I could be gone an hour or a week it was always the same. I didn't appreciate how much that meant to me until he was gone.
Some times I think he gave me permission to grieve, to cry for all that has been lost, for you and Dad and Zed. I always tried to keep the stiff upper lip and not be someone others had to tip toe around lest I fall apart but somehow with Zed, I can say "please don't ask me how I am, it is too hard".
It is too hard to lose everything. There is no reason to go home to Baltimore anymore. I am just from there once upon a time. I don't have to plan my errands around Zed's internal clock of 3 hour walks. I can be gone all day and it doesn't matter. I went to the beach with Judi last week because it didn't matter if I was home.
I miss you. I so wish I had actually picked up the phone and called you all the thousand times I thought I should talk to Mom. I want to believe you and Dad and Zed will be there when I cross over the Rainbow Bridge.
Love,
Your daughter
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