Dear Mom

I l know i haven't written in a while. Wish I could say I was busy but more that I have been pre-occupied. Bruce and I are in SC for the annual event. It has been fun and the guys are tied for first place. Hopefully tomorrow they will play well and their competition will have a few bad holes.

I finally finished installing the drip system for the front and back hay racks. No plants but the irrigation is ready. Every step seems to take forever. I can't work in the heat anymore, after the heat stroke last summer I have to be really careful. But I am determined to get them planted this week. I'll send pictures.

When I look at my house today, I wonder where I went and I haven't cared enough to finish the family room. It makes me remember the year you had the house painted and the new carpet installed. I came to visit and you had not rehung the pictures and I worried about how you were feeling. I understand now. In the scheme of things, it was so unimportant. But I guess it isn't. How our nest feels when we walk in the door sets the stage for everything else, and how we make our family and friends feel when they come in is important. I need to up my game.

Our friends in SC have a new puppy/dog. He is 18 months and cute. But he is a dog, he isn't Zed. I l know I should want to love him up, but I don't. I think I feel more like a dog trainer and want to give suggestions but I don't want him to sleep with me. He isn't Zed.

A few weeks ago a friend gave me some advice about how you go on when the rug is pulled out from under you. We have all lost parents, children, pets, jobs, the touchstones of our lives. We are adrift, our compasses are askew, the things we loved and hated are gone. She said, go everywhere you are invited, be good company, bring a good bottle of wine, thank them for inviting you. Life is short and the pain of loss is paralyzingly, pull up your big girl panties and behave the way you want others to see you and you will grow into that person. Years ago when we lived in Pictou and had a neighbor who was the bane of our existence the advice I got from my friends was treat her the way you wanted her to be, and it worked, within several months she changed and I changed.

I want to be the person who I was, someone welcoming, whose home is comfortable and friendly. Mom, if you are listening, help me let go of my sadness and fears and be that person. I miss you everyday. I miss knowing I could call you and you would patiently listen. I miss knowing you always thought the best of me. Tell Dad I love him.

Love, your daughter.

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