If you are happy and you know it clap your hands

It has been a long two weeks.  It started out happy - my sister-in-law married a great guy and they threw a fabulouso party.  On the way up I got to have dinner with my Mom and snag a Coach purse at the outlet mall across the bridge.  All in all - perfect!  Until I got the call that my Aunt had died.

I wrote about my Aunt in my last blog - my memories of her as an aunt and a woman.  The real lesson that I came away with was - when you are happy share it, roll it around on your tongue like a perfect chocolate, wallow in it.  When you are sad, admit it, mourn when it is time to mourn, cry when you have a boo boo, ache when your heart breaks.  But when you are mad, hurt, insulted - talk about it to the ones you love.  Even if they aren't the one's who caused it - let it go.  You only have so much room in your little heart don't clutter it with old hurts, real or imagined.  Every hurt you care for and feed takes away time and energy from what you really want to do - stock up on kisses, kindnesses, warm breezes. I will guarantee you - 100% that the hurt you are nurturing and caring for, feeding and keeping stoked, the other person has no idea that it is that important.  Because most times they think that if it was that important and you loved them you would have wanted to talk it out. 

Tonight I am opening my hands, letting go, and taking back all of my good memories.  I don't have the energy any more to be angry.  And if truth be told, what do I have to be angry about.

On to sweet sticky kisses from the wee tots and careful hugs from the "guys". 

Dear Dad

Wednesday was Dad's birthday. It fell in the middle of a hectic week planning his sister's funeral. My Aunt Jane was a a "Maiden Lady" of 89 years of age. She has always been an enigma to everyone who loved her.

She died on her own terms, alone neatly covered in her childhood single bed with no fanfare. Her next door neighbor knew that they could set their watch by the time she came to the door to get her Baltimore Sun and New York Times. When she did not appear for the second day they called the apartment management, setting in motion a chain of events that found her dead in her bed. For those of us left behind it was our greatest fear that she would die alone. For her she died on her own terms, in her own bed, her apartment clean, her important papers out to be found. Tomorrow we will all gather to pray for her soul and then go with Mom to visit Dad.

Dad, what I want to tell you is we did the right thing in the face of turmoil. We were there to support Mom, we made sure Aunt Jane had the right wake, we told stories about memories from Woodlawn Road and Grandmother and Pop Shaw. I told stories about my childhood Aunt who wore silk and perfume. Who took me to the Walter's gallery. Matt, David, Pacey and Carol were there to share memories.

I am sure it confused the funeral home that were so many Benson women there. Pacey, Carol, and I all use our maiden names. I want you to know that we still hear your voice that no matter the circumstances we should always do the right and honorable thing. And you are right I will sleep peacefully.

Aunt Jane, I wish all of the cousins and great cousins knew you like I did. But if I learn nothing else from this time it will be to laugh more freely, to dare to be wrong more often because chances are I might be right and that accepting help doesn't diminish me but creates threads of links between me and the world. I want my wake to be a party with silly stories of moments shared and I need to start now creating those opportunities. Good-by Aunt Jane, I wish you peace and happiness as you cross the rainbow bridge.

Vegas

Let me start by saying I actually like Vegas.  I don't gamble so I am not sure Vegas likes me, but it is truly a play ground of excess - inside and on the facades of the resorts.  No where else will I see such vibrant colors, exoctic flowers, and sweet little things in little tiny dresses wearing 4 inch heels - who can really walk on them!  I can sit in the bar for hours and imagine the stories that are passing by my table.  There are the exoctic women and and the just drug in from the hills with worn out boots, straggly hair and a cigarette ready to be lit as soon as he sits down at the slot machine. 

This is the end of Chinese New Year and the resort we are staying in has a sister resort in Macau and has attracted bus loads of tourists celebrating the New Year.  The resort is all dressed up in red and gold with a 35 foot dragon leading the way in from the lobby to the casino.  Everywhere you look it is red and gold, even the orange trees have little red present envelopes hanging on ribbons.  The craps tables are the busiest with men in suits, sport shirts, and the ever present black tee shirt with tight black jeans.  It sounds like a meeeting of the UN when you walk past. 

This is a new fairly high end resort complete with a Ferrari dealer in the Racing wing.  They took over the old Sands resort and golf course and expanded into a resort with a high end tower, and ultra high end tower and then the golf villas.  The two shopping esplanade's - one with the down scale hipper Channel store, the other with the - well you get the picture.  I have only walked past all of the bright shiny jewels and baubles, handbags, glittery shoes and impossibly small dresses wondering what road I would have had to take to arrive here ready to shop at any age.

I do think they have Disney beat for "oh my god you want what for a bottle of water?"  I love Fuji water but $8?  My breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, whole wheat toast and coffee was $32 - this is like New York.  True - it is probably cheaper than New York but WOW.  Since I have to get showered, dressed and face painted to have breakfast anywhere, I am now strolling across the street to my standby Starbucks and saving my pennies for amazing dinners. 


From the window to the dessert

Back to the heart of the glitz  -- no other city can reinvent itself on such a regular basis.  Down come old buildings, leaving a sand lot ready for the next new thing.  When you move away from the resorts, it quickly becomes one story buildings frequently in need of a facelift.  Miles of housing stretch out towards the hills and mesas.  That is the end of my planner thoughts! 


The resort oasis


You know you are out of town when you are here!

Racing down the aisles of the casino

When we go on vacation to an island, Bruce's favorite thing to do is go jet skiing.  If the water isn't too rough I usually go with him.  We aren't in the islands, we are in Vegas.  No large bodies of water nearby.  So this is his alternate jet ski! 

Most of you know that he fell in December and one of his legs is still immobilized with a brace.  He can limp around but any distances are exhausting,so we arranged for wheel chairs to meet us along the trip.  The hotel wheel chair left a lot to be desired and I could not push it over the thick carpet in all the hallways and casino.  After much dithering he agreed to rent a scooter.  For someone who is used to having both his legs work, this seemed like an affront to his dignity, but being the great guy he is, he took one for the sake of his wife's back.  It has worked great getting him from place to place.  It was the hit of the party when we first got together with the conference group, so much so a few of the crazier people in sales rented two that night and raced around the hallways.  I would like to think it was sympathy for him, but I think it was Vegas craziness. 

Last night was the ultimate test, we were going to dinner two blocks away at the Mirage.  Despite all of the promises of the staff when it came time to get a cab that would actually take the scooter there was much hemming and hawing.  So we set out on foot and scooter.  Congratulations Vegas!  It really is a walkable city.  There are bridges over the busiest intersections with an elevator (and escalator) up and down to get you to the other side.  We followed the door man's directions on the way over but freelanced on the way back.  The way over was easier, coming back we segued through the Palazzo resort with a little help from a maintenance man on the patio and a security guard in the casino.  The maintenance man gets double thank you's - he stopped what he was doing, told another co-worker where he was going, parked his decorated trash can and walked us far enough into the casino to see where our next stop would be.  Vegas and the resorts are doing a great job with hospitality training. 

Bruce has named his ride Catherine in honor of CSI Las Vegas, she has not let him down so far but I know he will be glad to be home with only his personal wheel chair for extended trips.  Friday we will go and get his handicapped placard.  His plan is to be driving himself by the weekend.  As Mom would say, when you are a hammer - everything looks like a nail, and he is determined to get some more independence.  Not that I blame him.  This has been a little more togetherness than we have ever enjoyed!