Things I have learned from a five year old

Things that actually do not have limits

• Energy
• Imagination
• Determination
• Perseverance
• Negotiation
• Joy

For the last three days (a nano second for all full time parents) Ashby has been visiting by himself. Mom is in Baltimore waiting for the movers, and Dad is in Augusta finshing up a course. First he has been amazing, second he has reminded me that children are amazing.

 

He is a little World Cup fan so we negotiated a good nap in exchange for staying up to watch USA play. Mike and some friends came over to watch so he split his time "helping" Uncle Mike fix his car and checking on the game and the appetizers. And like a trouper, after the painful last 20 seconds he came up to bed for a few stories and a kiss.

He has two favorite things - the pool and the possibility to playing with the girl next door. Tess has a pink Jeep and a sense of humor, the pool is the gateway to magic.

The pool. More than anything he wants to join the fraternity of boys who walk off the edge with abandon. He studies them with the intensity of a scientist searching for the key. Do they hold their nose, do they pull up their knees, do they stay near the safety of the edge? For the past few days he has been dancing closer and closer to the goal. Step 1. Abandon the noodle - test where he can stand on his feet and where he can touch on tippy toes and where he can bounce on his toes and still keep his head above water. Back and forth he has gone. Playing catch with Grandpa and Mr Norm, inching closer to the limit, ready to reach back to the Nana who was his shadow, smiling with that little gleam that says, see I did it. Step 2. Playing in the zone. Starting with tossing the ball, and then studying the older kids who were using a Princess kick board as a bat for pool baseball. After they headed out and left the kick board, we played baseball, and then he toyed with jumping on the kick board. Just as I thought we were packing up the Tennis Camp kids and their counselors arrived. Oh what an arrival. Twelve 6 -12 year olds descended on the pool like banshees, and he was enthralled. They were tossed into the pool like laundry bags and bounced back begging for more. A cadre of parents with the B team arrived bringing wee tots and kindergarteners to the mix. And then the most alluring person of all came on the scene. An obviously younger brother came into our zone and proceeded to hold his nose jump in, thrash the 18 inches to the steps and get out, only to repeat the process over and over. Here inches away from my warrior was the challenge. Having survived one quasi accidental cannon ball from the second step that dunked him, he grabbed the kick board and demanded to try to launch himself off the steps time after time. I never knew you could launch, catch, kick and return to repeat in less than one minute. As the kick board holder I was impressed. Each time as I held the board he tested himself. Only the Adult Swim whistle saved us and sent us home. A swim meet kept us from going back later in the afternoon. Weather permitting we are back in the pool tomorrow.

The second lesson is friends rock. Yesterday he met our neighbor child who raced cars with him for an hour. Pink Jeep against Silver BMW. Sadly she was not available today since she had a sitter and another child visiting. It broke my heart to see how much he yearned for a friend no matter how transient. Tomorrow we will see if we can negotiate friend time.

I realize I don't have the fire he has to keep trying, dancing around the challenge, defying the odds each time he leaps for the board, hoping for the friend to pop out on the driveway. It made me realize that my only gift is to keep holding the kick board, no matter how long, to ring on the doorbell and see if she can play, because he is ready and eager to join the fraternity of boys who just jump in.

Years ago there was another golden haired boy who wanted to jump in. My only hope is that I gave him the courage or at least didn't stand in the way of flying.

 

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Dear Mom

I l know i haven't written in a while. Wish I could say I was busy but more that I have been pre-occupied. Bruce and I are in SC for the annual event. It has been fun and the guys are tied for first place. Hopefully tomorrow they will play well and their competition will have a few bad holes.

I finally finished installing the drip system for the front and back hay racks. No plants but the irrigation is ready. Every step seems to take forever. I can't work in the heat anymore, after the heat stroke last summer I have to be really careful. But I am determined to get them planted this week. I'll send pictures.

When I look at my house today, I wonder where I went and I haven't cared enough to finish the family room. It makes me remember the year you had the house painted and the new carpet installed. I came to visit and you had not rehung the pictures and I worried about how you were feeling. I understand now. In the scheme of things, it was so unimportant. But I guess it isn't. How our nest feels when we walk in the door sets the stage for everything else, and how we make our family and friends feel when they come in is important. I need to up my game.

Our friends in SC have a new puppy/dog. He is 18 months and cute. But he is a dog, he isn't Zed. I l know I should want to love him up, but I don't. I think I feel more like a dog trainer and want to give suggestions but I don't want him to sleep with me. He isn't Zed.

A few weeks ago a friend gave me some advice about how you go on when the rug is pulled out from under you. We have all lost parents, children, pets, jobs, the touchstones of our lives. We are adrift, our compasses are askew, the things we loved and hated are gone. She said, go everywhere you are invited, be good company, bring a good bottle of wine, thank them for inviting you. Life is short and the pain of loss is paralyzingly, pull up your big girl panties and behave the way you want others to see you and you will grow into that person. Years ago when we lived in Pictou and had a neighbor who was the bane of our existence the advice I got from my friends was treat her the way you wanted her to be, and it worked, within several months she changed and I changed.

I want to be the person who I was, someone welcoming, whose home is comfortable and friendly. Mom, if you are listening, help me let go of my sadness and fears and be that person. I miss you everyday. I miss knowing I could call you and you would patiently listen. I miss knowing you always thought the best of me. Tell Dad I love him.

Love, your daughter.

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